Message of Hope for Couples in Conflict
It seems like almost every time you talk to your partner, you can immediately feel the tension between you. You can sense the conversation is not going to go well. It’s become very familiar. That circular arguing and fussing that seems to go nowhere but planet hurt.
When faced with re-occurring negative relationship patterns that trigger stress, anxiety, and a plethora of other uncomfortable (to say the least) emotions, there are four common thoughts that can come up that are extremely de-stabilizing and can make the situation worse than it is. I want to address these false and tricky mindsets head-on.
Negative thought #1: Are we meant to be together? Are we incompatible?
As if it isn’t challenging enough that your partner isn’t meeting your physical needs triggering feelings of being deprived and unloved, your mind also starts to wonder, “is this really my ideal love?” That makes the deprivation feel worse, and now it seems like the situation went from tremor size to full blown earthquake size. Overwhelming. I’ve been there!
That you are experiencing stress and challenge in your relationship is not enough to determine whether you are incompatible. Relationships of absolute compatibility always have challenge built in. That is part of the reason why they are compatible. Each partner triggers the person to grow in the deepest way. That’s what your soul wants from the relationship. Compatible and incompatible relationships both experience challenge. Both are prone to having the individuals engage the situation in a negative way, and both are prone to the individuals feeling the fear that they are not ultimately meant to be in that relationship. So let this idea go. You may or may not be long term compatible with your partner. Nevertheless, you are in a relationship now, so use what you have created in the most positive way to learn and transform yourself now. This way you can show yourself that it either is the ideal match, or you have changed in such a way that you have created a version of yourself that can be capable of attracting your ideal partner. Either way, the process is the same. Grow from where you are NOW.
Negative thought #2: My partner is the source of my unhappiness, and I need them to change.
When you express this viewpoint you are out of alignment with the true purpose of relationship. This viewpoint will always cause you stress and not result in any change within your partner. Please see my previous post “The True Purpose of Relationship.” The true purpose is to reflect back to each other what you need to become your higher selves. This means that no matter what your partner is doing it’s up to you to change to create the version of them you want to see. Are YOU being the inspirational version of yourself? Are YOU using the situation to grow and mature and evolve yourself? The blame game is part of the old paradigm. When you are triggered and unhappy, you don’t have access to truth, but that’s exactly the moment you start creating a story about why you are in this mess. Let go of the story and work on yourself.
Negative thought #3: There must be something wrong with me to be creating this mess.
“Why do I keep attracting the wrong person or a negative version of my partner?” This is when the blame turns internal. Drop the guilt. I know, I know, easier said than done. But it really comes down to this: By thinking there is something wrong with you, you are creating negative energy and that attracts more negative energy. So, if you believe there is something wrong with you, then there is. If you don’t believe something is wrong with you, then there isn’t. It’s not about right or wrong. It’s about being in alignment with your true self. Your true self has positive qualities and engages every situation in a powerfully positive way. Choose to BE that, by believing that you ARE that. Act from that state. Center yourself first, then act.
Negative thought #4: Maybe I was delusional about true love in the first place. The reality of human relationships is ultimately disappointing.
What you are experiencing is a result of the magical technology of relationship. It’s telling you that the relationship must transform now. The time has come (or has been there for a while) to upgrade the way you relate to each other, the way you communicate, and to develop your individual selves. The conflict won’t go away at this point and comes up at nearly every conversation because it is telling you now in no uncertain terms: TRANSFORMATION IS NEEDED. If this wasn’t happening, you probably wouldn’t be inspired to evolve, and that’s why when you understand that this is ultimately happening to help you grow, you can relax and be grateful.
What must be done?
Stop. Seek help, and change the way you relate. No more postponing. If you have been trying to resolve but it’s not going anywhere, then you don’t have the right tools. Seek help. It’s sad that we are not taught the tools to use conflict in the most productive and positive way for all involved. That is the current state of the world, but it’s changing. Relationship coaches and therapists are devoted to that. Use us. Reach out.
When you engage the matter in this way you will see that the repeating cycles of negativity will end. You will be more mature and will both have grown if you each approach it in this way. This does not mean you won’t have challenges in the future. They will never end, but you won’t see it as a problem. When you are able to use the challenges to grow, you will anticipate and look forward to them, as they are the blessing leading you to more fulfillment. As you transform in this way, you gain the tools to work through the challenges, and each time it gets easier and easier. Eventually you will not experience negativity, but will only feel the propulsion and expansion of positivity within each challenge that comes up. That is the master level which you can look forward to. That is the reward for those brave ones ready to claim their birthright of ecstasy. You only get it by diving in head on.
The exercise is to say the following empowering beliefs out loud. Do it as many times as you feel you need to. Notice that it is a calming exercise. At the same time, notice that you may feel resistance or tension in your body when you say some of them. Breathe into that, and say the statement again, allowing yourself to relax into it. You can use this as a centering mechanism. Feel free to come back to it as many times as you like. This will transform your relationship to the situation. When you are in a productive emotional state, only then will you to be able to make positive change that WILL ultimately transform the circumstance.
• I accept this situation as a challenge.
• Challenge is an inherent part of life that helps me grow.
• I accept that I have created this situation completely.
• Even though there is co-creation in relationship, I am also creating the version of my partner
that I see based on how I choose to engage the situation.
• If the situation is not to my liking, then I must change.
• I will change and grow from this, regardless of what my partner chooses to do.
• I understand that what has happened is the result of the relationship helping us to face the
very issues that our soul desires us to experience to grow.
• It doesn’t have to be painful, with the right tools we can engage this in an evolutionary way,
and that always has a positive result.
• I choose to use this in a positive way.
• Even if my partner is not showing the version of them I prefer, I release any idea that it is
them that is holding me back.
• I step up and act on behalf of the version of MYSELF that I want to see.
• I trust that by focusing on MY ideal version of myself (which includes setting boundaries and
asking for my needs), that I will then manifest the version of my partner that is my ideal.
• I allow this process to take the necessary path it needs to take, with no time limits.
• I trust the timing and the magic of relationship to always be in service of my highest good
even when I can’t see it.
So.....Who wants to be a master level relationship partner?
Please reach out to the California Relationship Center as our Relationship Transformation Coaches and Therapists are here to help.